Aaliya’s sticker chart was perfect. They were color-coded, laminated, and prominently displayed in her circle time area. Each child had 10 spaces right below their names. The rule was that they would receive a sticker for sitting quietly during circle time, when they shared with friends, or used “nice words.” After 10 stickers, they would get to choose something from the treasure box to use.

By November, it was no longer working. Liam collected his 10 stickers and received his reward. But he continued to hit when frustrated. Priya stopped caring entirely. Aaliya admitted to the management, “I was spending more energy managing the reward system than actually teaching,” Aaliya shared with her coach. “And the kids weren’t learning anything.”

Her coach asked a question that cracked everything open: “What skills are you trying to teach with those stickers?”

Aaliya paused. “Sitting quietly? Sharing? Using words?”

“And are the stickers teaching those skills?” her coach asked.

Aaliya had no answer. She realized she’d been using stickers as a bribe for compliance, not as a tool for skill-building.

What the Research Tells Us

The evidence from research is very clear. The extrinsic rewards, like stickers, undermine children’s intrinsic motivation and long-term skill development. When children perform for external rewards, they don’t develop genuine competence. Also, these rewards teach children that the adults are gatekeepers of approval, rather than helping them develop internal self-regulation. Rewards don’t teach skills. They simply mark when a behavior happened.

The Shift: From Bribes to Skill-Building

Aaliya’s coach helped her see that Liam’s hitting wasn’t “bad behavior” to punish. In fact, it was a missing skill. This skill was nothing but the ability to manage emotion, also known as emotional regulation. Sitting quietly is not something to reward. it is a capacity that needs to be built over time.

Together, they:

• Identified the actual skill Liam needed (recognizing frustration before it escalates)
• Taught the skill directly (calm corner, co-regulation, visual cues)
• Practiced in low-stakes moments (during play, not when already escalated)
• Removed the sticker chart and replaced it with genuine positive acknowledgment: “You felt frustrated and used your words—that took real self-control.”
• Provided Priya with a weighted lap blanket and a fidget to build her capacity of sitting longer during circle time and other group activities.

What Changed

Within four weeks, Liam’s hitting decreased by 70%. Not because he was earning stickers, but because he was learning the actual skill of recognizing and managing frustration. Priya was observed to be more engaged in activities because she wasn’t performing for external rewards—she was building genuine competence. Aaliya’s energy shifted from managing a reward system to actually teaching. “I realized I’d been using stickers as a shortcut instead of doing the harder, more meaningful work of skill-building.”

What You Can Do This Week

Pick one child whose behavior you’re trying to change with rewards. Identify the missing skill (self-regulation, communication, problem-solving). Teach that skill for 10 minutes daily for two weeks. Notice what shifts.

The Essential Truth

Stickers feel like they work because they create immediate compliance. But they’re a shortcut around the real work: teaching children the skills they need to navigate their world. When we stop bribing and start teaching, children don’t just behave better—they become competent, confident humans who know how to regulate themselves, solve problems, and connect with others.

That’s the real treasure. And you can’t put it in a box.